And Brits call the Americans dumb....

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination (end of high school) in England.

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes- My favourite
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

I just found this somewhat amusing :)

Why oh Why oh Wyoming

So...here's the thing.

My adorable friend bought me a plane ticket to Wyoming for Christmas...

and I like it....

Like...a heck lot......

Cause this is where I'm going....

Today I'm really missing California.

I miss going out for drives with Josh in his big white truck on a super crisp and beautiful morning.
I miss getting starbucks and cruising through the vineyards with the windows down and a big jacket on.
I miss waking up every week day to get together with the body of Christ to worship to start off the day.
I miss Thursday morning biscuits and gravy.
I miss my worship band.
I miss Tom Mauch.
I miss hanging with Ashley in the office eating donuts and drinking coffee.
I miss being called Curby Grip.
I miss playing board games in the cafeteria on friday night.
I miss the multitude of amazing people with amazing gifts and talents.
I miss the Lake.
I miss dorm checks.
I miss Sunday night chapel.
I miss meeting awesome women on weekend retreats who tell me about their experiences in life.
I miss babysitting for the Pastor's wives.
I miss Hebrew class.
I miss my morning spot in the hot springs where the steam made amazing patterns in the sun.
I miss riding bikes to Harveston
I miss getting bags of dried pineapple from Winco
I miss reading for hours in Barnes and Noble.
I miss In-n-Out
I miss Grandpa Chuck and his hugs.
I miss california sunsets.
I miss polaroid pictures with close friends
I miss everything.
Everything.

Smooth Landings

God is good.

Its a shame how much this powerful statement has been turned into such a cliche. I can't count one two hands the number of times I've used it in such a disappointing context. "How are you, what's going on in life", my response a dull "I'm not doing so well but hey, God is good."
What does that even mean?

Since I got back from California things have been hard and instead of picking up my shield of faith I've let trials and sin hit me like a ton of bricks. I've turned to things of the world to bury myself under, not because I thought they would help me in any way, just because it was a temporary distraction. There is a mold I fit into here, one that I was formed into before I knew the Lord, one that is much easier to slip back into rather than break out of. Along with it comes bad habits, harsh words, fake smiles. I convinced myself that it was so difficult to get back to where I'd been in California; in a good place with the Lord. I convinced myself that I couldn't do what I knew I should, that I didn't have the strength to fight or push out of my situation.

Let me tell you, I was right.

It was so hard to get back to where I'd been before because that's not where my Father wanted me to be. He wanted me to move on, to push on towards for the prize. And I couldn't do it, my human self does not contain the ability to conquer. He waited and waited for me to see that all I had to do was close my eyes and fall back into His arms that are strong enough to hold me and all my feelings, my bad habits, my troubles, my attitudes and everything else that weighs me down.

And its always wonderful at the end to look back down the valley and see how He got you through it. He uses so many people even the ones that you sometimes feel Satan is using to heighten your trial. And sometimes it only takes one situation or one person to push back the curtain and reveal all that He's been doing behind the scenes. All the times that people tell you what you already know and get sick of hearing fly out of the window when one says "I love you enough that I'm not going to let you do this to yourself because you don't have to".

I'm learning the language of God's love. That there are different ways to show it, different ways to speak His truth to people that don't always use words.

God IS good.

Its just that our definition of 'good' isn't quite what it should be.
I looked in the dictionary and was not suprised to see that it was most certainly NOT written by Christians hahaha!

I don't know why I'm still here where I don't want to be but I know that if I wasn't then I would have missed out in some immense blessings.

You're all blessings, don't forget how utterly precious you are to Him. Its hard to remember that we don't need to be accepted by people, we don't have to fit in with everyone or be fashionable and popular. He made us beautiful in His eyes though ours aren't often open enough to see it. Even though to the world we're outcasts, social invaders, party poopers etc. He is far above that.

Well, I'm back in the atmosphere and I'm excited for what the Lord will do.

'One Last Bottle'

In my head....in my head I need things.

Right now I need to write...things pile up, what else can you do...for lack of paper and privacy I retreat to the land of virtuality that they call the world wide web.
What do I need? I need paper...a pen...a drink to send me to sleep...a painkiller to numb the mind...a party to get things out of my systems. Wake up in the afternoon, headache means nothing 'cause it'll be gone again soon, pop cap on next bottle. Who am I? I am World...outside I'm a pair of 6 inch stilettos and glamorous style hanging off the arm of suit-tie-and-muscles but on the inside I'm flesh, blood, rot...

What do I need? I need reassurance...readjustment...rethinking...windscreen wipers to push off the clouds of emotion from glassy eyes. Can't sleep at night, anger comes roaring, bitter taste in mouth and heart means nothing 'cause its been there long, pop cap on next bottle. Who am I? I am reliance...outside I'm flesh, blood, rot but on the inside I'm liquid fury bacardi and coke two martinis a whisky margarita ice and no lemon.

What do I need? I need money...sustenance...support the problem...criminal record, wont hire, gone broke, need a fix. Can't last the night without, raid trash, scrounge cash, lonely hole means nothing 'cause the liquid temporarily fills it, pop cap on next bottle. Who am I? I am Addiction...outside I am liquid fury bacardi and coke two martinis a whisky margarita ice and no lemon but on the inside I am useless nameless empty space invisibility.

What do I need? I need you. I'm going crazy without you but there's a part of me that says "No, you can't, you'll just mess it up again...you're not good enough for him." That part wants to dominate. It seems like such a humble remark and yet it wears a suspicious smirk...you don't want me. You don't need me. Of course not, I'm useless..I'm nothing and you can have anyone so I'll drown my sorrows, pop cap on next bottle. Who am I? I am Nobody...outside I am useless nameless empty space invisibility but on the inside I am yearning longing dying for you.

What do you need? You need cold...broken...empty...open to be filled, to be healed, to be taken over. Don't need anyone but choose to help and hold and mold and make. There's no part that doesn't want yet no desire for more than helpless, best useless. Take heart, clean up, make new, draw smile, empty cup means nothing 'cause it'll be filled with hope, pop cap on new vessel. Who are you? You are Everything...outside you are yearning, longing, dying for me but on the inside you are raising and ruling and loving and saving and healing and holding and touching and caring and molding and shaping and giving and taking and patiently waiting...for them...to pop cap on last bottle. Your arms are open their hearts are broken when I tell them they will turn around and see you standing there.

Who am I? I am Yours.

Avo'freakin'cado

Buddelschiff...

To be quite honest, I suppose it cant be that difficult to sink a bottled ship.
Stick it under the faucet, fill to the brim, screw on the cap and shake.

I don't know why I've been contemplating a boat in a hollow chunk of glass lately...maybe because I finally have a memory card back for my SLR. Time to get creative I think.

So, I have to say I had a bit of a disappointing morning today.
You know those things that you don't really know for sure but can hazard a pretty good guess at??

Like that little magic trick with the hoops that your second-uncle-twice-removed-on-the-left-side-of-the-family does every time he visits (about once every 5 years), or whether slugs are snails who've had their shells stolen or are just born as very under-privileged individuals, or if a cat really can fall from a 2-storey building, land on its feet and NOT break all four of its legs (go on kids, try that at home).

Well today I found out how you actually get the ship inside the bottle in the first place. And what a disappointment it was. Out the window with my theories of sticking a little ship on a pole and blowing the glass around it!! So much more fun than the real deal!
But no, dream shattered, in actual fact they just make a little boat with bendy masts, push it through the hole, the sails pop up and voila.

It is probably now that I will come to find that I was actually one of the only people in the world who didn't know this before and shall therefore proceed to look like a complete and utter plonker.

Can I get an amen?